Everybody worship and everybody tends to search for that intangible – the God. The more people search the more It has been hiding. May be people are looking at the wrong places, may be something is missing in the prayers or may be the search needs to come to an end.
Today i see God everywhere and in everything. The divine is all around us, in the sound of the barking dog, in the feel of the swift breeze, in the singing of the birds, in family, in friends and in me. Today i am no more in search of the divine, the God. I have realized It and that brings an end to the search. The end of search is a new beginning of our relation – His and mine. Until you stop your search, you will not realize Him and until you don’t realize Him – you cannot enjoy the relationship – neither does He.
This blog is a small journey of me – in search of the Holy.
My belief in God was very very strong as a kid. As time passed the belief was challenged many times. Every time something went wrong i challenged my own belief in God – that had been my learning from my environment. People blamed God for all mis-happenings and i followed. After my college a small incident happened and i stopped all belief in the God – i became an atheist (as the society knows it). Couple of years of this behavior, a small bait for the ego mind, this continued.
I don’t exactly remember when, but as i grew up i saw myself visiting to temples again, started chanting some mantras too. There was something which was around me and my prayers became more regular. The mantras always had a soothing effect on me and i did more of it. I had found my God – the Shiva. Everything about Him was so appealing and i could only relate to Him – deeply. I became a Shiva worshiper.
During the same time i also hit upon meditation, a tool to help me come closer to Shiva and also to bring more peace – in and around. My rituals started changing with time. I was meditating more and the prayers were vanishing . Every meditation brought me closer to Shiva. My imagination was running high and i was loving every bit of it. Meditation initially was like kinder-garden to me. I was playing around in my thoughts and my imagination. One thing i had realized was that no matter what your initial meditation practice be like – it will always make you better – clearer .Even a small concentration or an attempt will show you a path. No matter how much cloudy and vague this path may look, you will always have an inner urge to go further , to explore more, to learn more and to question more.
With every meditation and the with the rapidly changing world around me, i started questioning Shiva. As He was near me i had every right to get the answers (as i was thinking) . Never did i receive any answer from Him. As my mediation kept going deep and my questions becoming louder – a strange thing started happening – Shiva was losing his form. May be because i never got any answer, my belief and my mind both started its own game. There were no answers for rapes, no answers for killing, no answers for corruption – nothing – nothing at all. Finally one day i lost Shiva – as a form, but there was something new that was arising . As Shiva got dissolved – a energy form took His place. I could feel it very clearly, the energy – without form – no structure – just energy. I dropped my idea of any God in any form. I started talking to people that there is no God – its only an energy. With time my belief in any form of God just evaporated. God became formless for me – It had lost all its identity. With this new energy that i found in place of God, i felt more connected , more in harmony – no form – no identity to remember – that meant no form to concentrate to. This was possibly the first stage where i was moving close to meditation – not my playful form of meditation – but true meditation. My inner was becoming calm and serene. The questions that i had – i never got any answer – but then they also disappeared.
That was 3 years ago. I still meditate, with more serenity and purity. There is no search today for the God – because Divine is everywhere, in everything and in nothing. I have felt Him within me, i have felt Him in my parents, i realize Him in the garden of flowers, i realize Him in the air, i realize Him in birds, i realize Him in the sky, i realize Him in everything and i realize Him in nothing.